What’s So Sexy About Jews?

We can all agree that Jews are sexy. But what makes the People of the Book so hot? Is it the male pattern balding? The gentle bosoms? The brains? The way we celebrate momentous occasions?

Over at The Hairpin two awesome ladies are playing do/dump/marry with Rahm Emanuel, Hugh Laurie, and Anthony Bourdain. Guess who they decide to do?

Rahm is truly the bone wolf of Silver Jews, isn’t he? (No David Berman homo.) He speaks to the agricultural kibbutz capability, the machine gun swagger, and the nationalist fury that Hebrews would have more firmly and historically embedded into our DNA had we had the benefit of our own country for longer than approximately the same amount of time that’s passed since psychoanalysis was invented. Incidentally, which modernist development is more controversial? Psychology or Zionism? It is a question that, along with hubris and everything bagels, is the only thing keeping Phillip Roth alive today.

But Rahm is an ACTION JEW, which is compelling and exotic and thoroughly, essentially, beautifully boneable. Do I need to mention power? Do I need to talk about it? I can, and I will and I have, but it’s not to remind men how Machiavellian THEY think WE are (bitches be wanting men who can all “carry themselves” and “form a sentence” and “provide for their families by demonstrating expertise in their line of work” and “cause you inhale sharply just by entering a room in a suit and, at the same time, have something important to do IN THAT ROOM”), because how dare we for not just wanting a squeezable pair of tushy buns atop two muscle stems, or whatever it is guys like about Eva Longoria.

I also wish to add that the reason Rahm has a missing finger part is because he lost it in a roast beef slicer when he worked at Arby’s in high school. Oh, and his middle name is Israel. Therefore! Blessed art thou, Lord our God, King of the Universe — may Rahm and I boning cause Yasser Arafat to not only roll in his grave, but also to find Yitzhak Rabin in ghost form and shake his goddamn hand again, in a spiritual reenactment of Rahm’s accomplishment when both were on Earth and Rahmbo got Clinton on Team Florida.

I think they hit so much on the head here, but especially the whole nationalist fury/power/obvious Jewiness. However, I will say that I personally would marry Rahm and do Hugh, not least because I am actually friends with one of Rahm’s nieces, and I think it would be weirder to do one of my friends’ uncles than to marry one of my friends’ uncles. Don’t you agree? Also, let’s hope she never reads this blog post.

And just a note: other things that are sexy about Jews (girls) according to non-Jewish guys who have hit on me:
Our hair
How we know the language of Jesus (this really only works on the daughter of an Aramaicist, which it turns out I am)
That god loves us best
That we went to Jew camp (unfortunately for the guy trying this line, I never went to Jew camp)
That we can hold our liquor (really?)
That we are well endowed (literally/figuratively)
That we are good in the kitchen
That we are shomer fucking shabbos