Jewish Jokes

Great traditional Jewish jokes.

Print this page Print this page

The Terrifying Rumor

In a small village in the Poland, a terrifying rumor was spreading: a Christian girl had been found murdered.
Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the shul to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances.
Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. "Brothers," he cried out, "I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!"

The Census

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
"Does Louis Goldman live here?" he asks.
"No," replies Goldman.
"Well, then, what is your name?"
"Louis Goldman."
"Wait a minute--didn't you just tell me that Goldman doesn't live here?"
"Aha," says Goldman. "You call this living?"

The Converts

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
"I converted out of love," said the first, "Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert."
"And I, said the second, "I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion."
The third man spoke up: "I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism."
"Are you kidding?" said the first man, spitting out his drink.
"What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?"

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a southern farmer with a wagon.
"Good afternoon," says Schwartz.
"Afternoon," says the farmer.
"Where you headed?" asks Schwartz.
"Town."
"What do you have in the wagon?"
"Manure."
"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"
"I spread it over the fruit."
"Well," says Bernstein, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.

Lightbulbs

How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four--one to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and  a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

Did you like this article?  MyJewishLearning is a not-for-profit organization.

Please consider making a donation today.