Mixed Families, Jewish Choices
With intermarriage an acknowledged part of the American landscape, the only
remaining debate is how to respond to interfaith unions.
By Amy Blumenfeld
Around 50 percent of Jews in North America marry a
non-Jewish spouse. Among them, only 30 percent raise their children as Jews.
The following article examines this trend and the ways the Jewish community
might encourage families where one spouse isn't Jewish to make Jewish choices
and identify with the Jewish community. This article originally appeared in hadassah.org/pageframe.asp?page=per_hadassah/archive/2003/03_may/family.htm§ion=news&header=per_had&size=60">Hadassah
Magazine and is reprinted with permission of the magazine and the author.
Last December, Edmund Case strolled the aisles of an Israeli
vendor fair in search of gifts for his wife and two children.
Like other patrons, he believed this was an ideal way to
shop-- supporting Israel's economy while simultaneously checking off a long
holiday to-do list. The difference, however, was that this corporate lawyer
turned Jewish-outreach guru wasn't preparing for Hanukkah--he was shopping for
Christmas.
Christmas Presents Made in Israel
"This year, all the Christmas gifts were made in
Israel," he says with a chuckle. "As a joke I signed the card to my
20-year-old son 'Santa' but I wrote it phonetically in Hebrew letters. Some
people would be aghast at that and say this is syncretism, it's a melding of
religions and that this is an ominous development for Jewish identity. Mind
you, this is something I wouldn't do before I thought my children's Jewish
identity was solidified. But my kids have no confusion about this. They are
Jewish, we celebrate Hanukkah in our home, but on Christmas, they exchange
gifts at their grandparents' house. That's all it is. It doesn't have religious
significance."
Welcome to the world of intermarriage in the American Jewish
community. According to the United Jewish Communities' National Jewish
Population Survey 2000 released last fall, 5.2 million Jews live in the United
States compared to 5.5 million a decade ago. Though some researchers refute the
NJPS findings, citing slightly higher population figures, the bottom line is
clear: The American Jewish community is, at best, remaining stagnant. While
factors such as Jewish women sacrificing childbearing years to pursue higher
education and careers are in part to blame, a main source is intermarriage.
In 1990, the NJPS reported that 52 percent of American Jews
intermarry. If the new population statistics are any indication, results of the
2000 intermarriage study, scheduled for release this spring, will likely be
discouraging as well. If this is the direction the future is taking, a question
arises as to how to keep Judaism alive in the children of interfaith marriages.
"From the
perspective of America, intermarriage is a wonderful union," says Steve
Bayme, national director of the Contemporary Jewish Life department for the
American Jewish Committee. "It's a triumph of American tolerance and
equality. Those are wonderful values but they contradict fundamental Jewish
values to marry within the faith, build a Jewish family and raise Jewish
children."
With half of Jews in the United States believing it is
"racist" to promote marriage within the faith and only one-fifth of
the Jewish population opposing mixed marriage, it's no surprise that interfaith
unions are at an all-time high. So how, in an age of political correctness, can
parents explain to their children that choosing to only date and marry a fellow
Jew is not discrimination?
"It's racist
only when you believe that gentiles are inferior to Jews," says Bayme.
"It is not racist for Jews, a tiny minority, to want to preserve
distinctiveness that is imperiled by mixed marriage."
Preventing Intermarriage
Judaism has to be taught as something relevant so that kids
can never imagine it sharing a level of importance with any other faith, say
Orthodox leaders. With 98 percent of National Conference of Synagogue Youth
graduates marrying Jews ("Only God is perfect," offers one rabbi),
the Orthodox Union's emphasis on education and community seems to be working.
"Continuity
and the threat of intermarriage has been on the priority list of every
generation of traditional Jews since the day the Torah was given on
Sinai," says Rabbi Moshe D. Krupka, executive director of programs at the
OU. "We strive to find a Torah way of life that is palatable, exciting and
interesting to teenagers …so that Judaism isn't some ancient tome on a shelf
only for the great bearded rabbis."
The United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism's United
Synagogue Youth and the Reform movement's North American Federation of Temple
Youth have similar philosophies. Both organizations run an array of teenage
programming--everything from post-Shabbat dances to summer trips to Israel.
"The best
methodology to prevent intermarriage is to provide the most solid types of
all-around educational experiences that will motivate a person to live and
identify Jewishly," says Jules Gutin, director of the Department of Youth
Activities for United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism.
Unlike USY, which forbids high school-age officers to date
non-Jews, leaders of NFTY and other arms of the Reform movement cringe at the
thought of educational programming and policies promoting
"prevention."
"The most
repeated mitzvah [commandment] in the Torah is to welcome the stranger,
to ...treat the stranger as the one born," argues Dru Greenwood, director
of the Department of Outreach at the Union of American Hebrew Congregations.
"That is a mitzvah that is taken to heart by the Reform movement."
Making Jewish Choices
"The percentage of interfaith families who raise their
children as Jews is not more than 30 percent," says Case. "To
[increase that number], Jewish leaders have to change their attitudes because
they get in the way of making families interested in affiliating feel welcome.
We need to stop using off-putting language like goyim and shiksa…and [end]
negative attitudes about the leadership and participation of non-Jews in
synagogues…. I'm not saying intermarriage is a good thing, just that the Jewish
community should be welcoming."
Rabbi Avis Miller, chairperson of the committee that in 1995
authored the official Conservative position on intermarriage, argues that
rather than create a support system where couples can bond over the rejection
of conversion or share Hanukkah and Christmas decorating tips, an educational
approach to outreach needs to be emphasized with thought-provoking programming
and experiences rich in Jewish culture.
"What happens
in support groups is that you are defined by your intermarried-ness," says
Miller. "I've had people come to me for conversion and say, 'We've become
friendly with these people, we have them over for dinner, and I just can't tell
them that I have decided to convert. It will throw everything out of
equilibrium.'"
Despite the schisms among the branches, most agree that
creating a Jewish atmosphere in the home can be simple. Whether you play
klezmer, light Shabbat candles, read Jewish books or hang Israeli art on your
wall, little touches can go a long way.
Raising a Jewish child is more about what you do than what
you say, explains Karen Kushner, a San Francisco social worker who has run
interfaith workshops for over 20 years. "If we never take a child to see a
Jewish play or go to a Jewish fair they will never have any idea of what is
important to us. Look at how much money people spend to join health clubs and
how much time they spend working out. So what are the kids going to learn?
What's important in life: working out and looking good. So we've got kids who
look good and they're intermarrying."
One of the most valuable resources of Jewish continuity are
grandparents. Stories recalled from a grandmother's youth--carp for gefilte
fish swimming in the bathtub or memories of the establishment of Israel--will
not only leave indelible marks on the minds and memories of a child but will
help to foster a sense of roots. Don't be surprised, however, if the
relationship takes some work. Many parents experience mixed emotions when their
child marries out of the faith and those feelings may resurface when they have
an interfaith grandchild.
"There is
some mourning that has to go on," Kushner warns. "The initial
response is anxiety, fear, guilt and a sense that their particular genes are
not going forward in the Jewish community. [They ask] 'What did I do wrong?'
And even though they know the world is diverse, that kids go away to college
and meet all kinds of people, parents have fantasies."
Fear that thousands of years of Jewish heritage will stop
short with their children can trigger a surge of Jewish identity within a
grandparent. What may follow is competition with gentile grandparents for the
affections and affiliations of the child.
Instead, bubbes and zeides should invite the in-laws to join
in Jewish customs or meals. All competition accomplishes, Kushner says, is kids
running from religion because they don't want to hurt anyone by choosing sides.
If history serves as a guide, it is extremely unlikely that
there will ever be unanimity among the various Jewish movements regarding
interfaith marriage. But if our population continues to decline, even at a rate
of 5 percent each decade, all will certainly agree that the issue of continuity
must be addressed carefully and swiftly. The clock is ticking.
Amy Blumenfeld is a freelance writer and a former editor
of George magazine. Her articles have appeared in various magazines, including
People, Self and Fitness.This article originally appeared in Hadassah
Magazine and is reprinted with permission of the magazine and the author.
