In Treatment: A Special Purim Therapy Session

Doc,

Before I start, I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think I’m crazy. For the most part, I’m a pretty straight-edged, well grounded dude.

Sure I have a few neuroses. For example, when sitting at a dinner table, I always adjust my plate and cutlery to allign perfectly with my seat placement. But that isn’t a big deal.

But there is one thing that legitimately makes me crazy. I’m totally neurotic when it comes to clothing. I have okay fashion sense, I guess. But really, I own like 4 shirts. Maybe 5. It’s not that I don’t want to own more. It’s just that every time I’m in a store, I look at shirts and think I will look like a total tool in them. So why spend $30 just to be worried all night that every girl is looking at me thinking, “Man, I’m definitely not making out with that guy. Look at his shirt!”

Purim (and Halloween) is the worst. As previously mentioned, I own like 5 shirts. So when it comes around to making a costume, I’m very limited in my options. To make matters worse, I think costumes are totally dumb and unfunny. So when Purim comes around, I’m not eager at all to a) think of a cool costume idea b) actually make the effort to look for/create said costume.

But the problem is, if I don’t wear a costume, then everyone thinks I’m lame.

“Oooh..Jeremy, too cool for a costume? Come on, get in the spirit!”

“Yeah, well…bite me.”

So, Doc, what do I do? Do I just avoid Purim all together? Do I make an incredibly lame costume and be self-conscious all night? Or do I not wear a costume and be self-conscious all night?

By the way, even worse than Purim is the “costume party.”

Why? Because some people, when they invite you to their costume party expect you to show up wearing a costume. For others, they are merely make a suggestion, but don’t really care.

So I will get invited to a ’90s party (Yes old people. We young folk have ’90s themed parties), and I will either put my jeans on backwards (a la Kriss/Kross) or freak out that I will be the only one not wearing a costume.

Please. Someone help me. I’m very, very sick.