When is Trans Joy?

When I realized I was trans.
When I realized I was trans enough.
When I learned there’s no one way to be trans.
When I learned I wasn’t the only one.
When I think about being trans.
When my friend Suzanne called me handsome before I even knew that was an affirmation I needed to hear.
When I woke up from Top Surgery smiling surrounded by my mom and best friend, Dolce.
When I look down and see a flat chest.
When I told my family and friends my name is Dubbs and they said okay!
When I told my family, friends, and colleagues my pronouns are they/them and they said okay!
When my family, friends, and colleagues get my pronouns right and I can breathe just a little easier.
When my cis family members, friends, and colleagues add their pronouns to their Zoom names, bios, email signatures, and beyond — it makes me feel seen, held, and safe.

When my cis family members, friends, and colleagues intervene during harm on my behalf — it makes me feel seen, held, and safe.
When my friend Joanna asked me if I wanted to be in the trans masc picture before I even knew that was an affirmation I needed to hear or a place I needed to be.
When I started testosterone even though it scared the shit out of me.
When my friend Caroline is just as obsessed with my new, luscious leg hair as I am.
When that leg hair dances in the wind and sunlight.
When I am delighted by my voice dropping.
When my friends are delighted by my voice dropping.
When Zoom has a filter to add facial hair and I’ve never felt more exhilarated by something that once scared the shit out of me.
When I see my own new whiskers sprouting.
When I’m in spaces that recognize and celebrate transness.
When becoming more and more visible to myself makes space and creates possibilities for others to do the same.
When I see other people living their truths.
When I live my truth.
When I remember that my trans joy is different yet deeply connected to yours.
When I talk and finally hear myself.
When I look in the mirror and I finally see myself.