Question: Should I still light yahrzeit candles for my in-laws since my wife’s death which happened last year?
— Dennis P.
Dear Dennis,
First of all, my condolences on the passing of your wife. May her memory be a blessing.
The custom of lighting a memorial candle in memory of the dead is deeply ingrained in Jewish tradition. Candles are commonly lit to mark losses both communal (such as the Holocaust) and personal, like the loss of a parent. The flame reminds us that no life is ever truly lost, only its memory gained.
Candles are customarily lit for the dead on their yahrtzeit, the Hebrew anniversary of their death. While the focus of a yahrtzeit in Jewish law is the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish, lighting a memorial candle is a more personal and home-based ritual. And though it is mentioned in some of the Jewish law codes (see Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 221:1), it merely a custom and not binding under Jewish law, which is why no blessing is recited over the lighting.
While you are certainly not obligated to continue lighting a candle for your in-laws, if you are moved to remember them out of respect for their special relationship to you or mentorship they provided, then by all means light a candle on their yahrtzeit. You might also consider whether or not there are other mourners (such as your wife’s siblings) who are willing to maintain the tradition.
Rabbi Danielle Upbin is the associate rabbi and prayer leader at Congregation Beth Shalom in Clearwater, Florida.
