Most etiquette experts advise that when a wedding is called off, the engagement ring should be returned. There is a talmudic analogue under discussion on today’s daf: gifts from the groom that are presented to the bride after betrothal but before marriage, while she is still living in her father’s home. A mishnah on today’s daf explains what happens to those gifts if the wedding doesn’t come to pass:
With regard to one who sends presents to his father-in-law’s house following his betrothal, even if he sent there the sum of 10,000 dinars and subsequently ate there a groom’s feast worth only a single dinar, if the marriage does not occur, the presents are not returned. If he did not eat a groom’s feast there, the presents are returned.
If he sent many presents with the stipulation that they return with her to her husband’s house after the wedding, these are returned. If he sent a few presents for her to use while in her father’s house, they are not returned.
Analogous to a rehearsal dinner today, in Talmudic times it was customary for the groom to eat a celebratory meal at the home of the bride and her family the day before the wedding. According to the mishnah, three things matter to the question of whether the gifts are returned: Did he eat the “groom’s feast” at her home? Did he intend for her to bring the gifts into their marital home after they wed? What quantity of presents were sent?
If the wedding was called off between the groom’s feast and the ceremony itself, she gets to keep the gifts — even if their value is far greater than what he ate at her father’s house. However, if he did not eat the groom’s feast, he can reclaim the gifts.
The mishnah also teaches that if the gifts were few and hers to use while still living with her father, the groom cannot reclaim them. But if the gifts were many and given with the stipulation that they were for the couple to use after the marriage, they are returned to the groom.
The Gemara goes on to parse the specifics of this ruling, affirming that if what the groom consumed at his prospective father-in-law’s house was valued at less than a dinar, the gifts are returned. Then, a particularly poignant example that tests all these various guidelines is brought:
Come and hear, as Rav Yehuda says that Shmuel says: There was an incident involving one man who sent to his father-in-law’s house 100 wagons full of jars of wine and oil and 100 wagons full of silver vessels and 100 wagons full of gold vessels and 100 wagons full of garments of fine wool. And he rode over in his state of joy and went and stood by the entrance to his father-in-law’s house. And they brought out to him a cup of hot drink and he drank it and subsequently died.
Oy! A groom was so excited about his upcoming wedding (and apparently so wealthy) that he sent many lavish gifts to his bride’s family. When he arrived for the groom’s feast, he only managed to consume a hot drink in the courtyard before tragically keeling over. Must she return the gifts?
And Rabbi Aha Sar HaBira raised this halakhah before the sages in Usha who said: Presents that are typically consumed are not collected, and those that are not typically consumed are collected. One can conclude from this incident that even if the betrothed only drank, some of the presents cannot be reclaimed.
The sages of Usha introduce yet another variable: the type of gift in question. Comestibles, presumably the wine and oil, are not returned. The silver and gold vessels, along with the wool cloth, should be. And any modest gifts intended for the bride’s own use (according to Rashbam this might include edible treats and cosmetics) remain hers.
But what of the detail that the groom drank but did not eat? The Gemara teaches:
Can you learn from this incident that the presents cannot be claimed even if he ate or drank less than the value of a dinar, since a cup of hot drink is not worth a dinar?
Rav Ashi said: Who shall say to us that they did not grind a pearl worth 1,000 dinars and serve it to him to drink?
Rashbam explains that it was common for the aristocracy — of whom this bride and groom were almost surely members — to grind pearls into their drinks for health reasons. So that hot drink might very well have been worth much more than a dinar, meaning that the bereaved bride-to-be didn’t get this husband — or his cartloads of fine vessels and fabrics.
Read all of Bava Batra 146 on Sefaria.
This piece originally appeared in a My Jewish Learning Daf Yomi email newsletter sent on November 18, 2024. If you are interested in receiving the newsletter, sign up here.
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