I’m not sure of many things.  But one thing I am sure of is that Natalie Portman and I are meant for each other.  Think about it.

I’m Jewish.  She’s Jewish.  She speaks fluent Hebrew. I…well, I could use the practice.  She was in Garden State.  I’ve been to New Jersey many times.  I think she is pretty.  I’ve been told that I have beautiful blue eyes.

But why is this news to anyone? Well, it isn’t.  Except for the fact that Natalie Portman broke up with her boyfriend, folk singer Devendra Banhart, this week.

Seriously, this guy is not attractive.  And I could probably beat him up (and I can’t beat up  anybody).

So Natalie, if you are planning on returning to New York any time soon,  give me a shout and I’ll try to fit you into my schedule.  I’ll even let you take me out to Caravan of Dreams.  I know how you love being a vegetarian.