When you think of a Sunday bagel and cream cheese, you probably envision something that looks like this: crisp, chewy bagels, topped with a healthy schmear of cream cheese, lox, maybe some tomatoes or dill or capers:
But America has gone bagel-crazy in the past few years with every flavor and combination: everything bagel-topped donuts, cream cheese-stuffed bagel holes and croissants, but also some seriously offensive concoctions. And so I set out this week to find the worst of the bagels. Proceed with caution.
The Mac & Cheese Bagel from Tompkins Square Bagels
Ok, I will admit: this one is actually kind of appealing. I want to eat it, but I am simultaneously horrified. Lucky for me, the mac and cheese-topped bagel (with or without bacon) was only a one-time carb-filled special at Tompkins Square Bagels, not on its regular menu.
Green Bagels for St. Patrick’s Day
Sold by chains such as Bruegger’s and even Fairway market, green bagels only make their bizarre appearance once a year. Which is one too many times for my comfort.
Kimchi & Cream Cheese Bagel via @motocreative on Instagram
I have only the utmost respect for kimchi, a spicy, fermented cabbage condiment that is practically sacred in Korean cuisine. But I just don’t think it has a rightful place on top of a bagel.
The Bacon Egg & Cheese “Cragel” from The Bagel Store
The Bagel Store, which is famous for its original, brightly hued rainbow bagels, features a variety of bagel flavors, cream cheese combos and other breakfast delights. But none is as crazy as a bacon, egg and cheese-stuffed bagel.
Flamin’ Hot Cheeto Bagels from The Bagel Nook
I support innovation and even Cheetos on occasion. But those bagels look like a spicy stomach ache waiting to happen. The Bagel Nook in Freehold, NJ is actually churning out all kinds of horrifying combinations (Oreo cookie cream cheese!), in addition to the classic flavors.
The Sushi Bagel/Donut
When the sushi burrito made waves, I was excited: I drove, I tried it. And you know what: It just tasted like a really big sushi roll. I can only assume the sushi bagel or donut or whatever you call it tastes the same: like a big ‘ol American disaster of a sushi roll.
Beet Bagels with Whipped Blue Cheese from Club Narwhal
I love beets. I love bagels. And I love blue cheese. I just don’t love them all together.
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